A Double Date with Natalie

Last week I was channel hopping and I noticed that "Full Metal Jacket" was on tv. And I thought to myself, "Wouldn't it be fun to flick from something like 'Two and a Half Men' to 'Full Metal Jacket' and see if my head exploded in confusion?" And then I put the movie on and, sure enough, it was the chilling scene in the film where Vincent D'Onforio's Private Pyle has his complete and incredibly violent breakdown. And I thought "Wow. What are the odds?"

This week I purposely put my brain through the same extreme transition as I sampled not one but two Natalie Portman movies. Two films could not be more different from one another. One film managed to be charming and frivolous while the other is simply daring and amazing.

Let's do brains before charm: "Black Swan" is an incredible film. Not to everyone's taste (after its conclusion, I heard one woman say to her partner, "I don't want to talk about the movie. I have nothing to say.") the film is brilliant, twisted and dazzling.

Natalie Portman plays a young, cowering ballerina who is technically brilliant but completely lacking in passion. When she is given the opportunity to assume the centre stage role, she must somehow find within herself an intensity and confidence that she has never shown before. But such passion comes at a horrendous price.

As the movie progresses it moves into a strange dream world where reality starts to crumble and it here that Portman shows how strong she is in the role. Her transformation from quivering and uncertain to confident and dangerous is amazing to watch. The movie is an incredible showcase for an actress who has never before been given an opportunity to show such range.

Imagine David Cronenberg directing a ballet and that measuring stick will give you an idea of your comfort level with a film that offers one of the best performances of the year.

At the other end of the scale (and literally down the hall at the theatre) is Natalie Portman in a fluffy romantic comedy that manages to be charming and easy-going while not being annoyingly predictable.

It's rare that a movie even attempts to do something different with the basic romantic comedy formula (boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl) but "No Strings Attached" manages to play with the recipe while avoiding the potential for it to fall flat.

The twist in the usual story is that it's Ashton Kutcher who plays the traditional girl friend-type role: his heart has been broken and he would like a long-term romance, but she's afraid of commitment, is not looking for anything serious and basically likes the sin but doesn't want the serious.

The movie takes the usual journey down the romantic road and Kutcher even has a very Andie MacDowell "Four Weddings and a Funeral" moment at the film's end (the only stumble in an otherwise fun script) but the two stars managed to make the trip an enjoyable time.

The film's biggest suprise is how appealing Kutcher is in the role. Kutcher's on-screen characters are usually obnoxious in a charming kind of way (or vice versa to varying degrees and success) but in this movie he manages to be funny, romantic and attractive in a fun, needy manner. If the traditional roles in the film have been reversed, he seems to be in on the joke as he plays the part of the female lead in a story that has the woman playing the usual hard-to-get male role.

The film isn't in the pantheon of romantic comedy greats (which would include "Notting Hill", "The Princess Bride" and "Groundhog Day") but it never stumbles in its confidence and charm.

If anyone thought Natalie Portman would hurt her chance of winning an Oscar by having this film released before the votes are in, "No Strings Attached" only adds to her acting credibility because it is through her performance that Ashton Kutcher looks so believable in the movie. And anyone who can make Kutcher look credible deserves an Academy Award.

Education of a Young Man

(Please enjoy the weekly hockey reminder that I send to my team. One of the guys suggested "Monty Python's The Meaning of Life". My team is brilliant.)

My Fellow Dragons:

So, last night my wife and I are watching "The Big Bang Theory" with our boys. Gee, soon to be 11, loves the show and Zed, now 8, likes it but usually laughs because we laugh and then asks "Why's that funny?"

The show is on at eight o'clock. They deal is they watch it and then head straight to bed.

Usually the show is okay, but last night's was ruder than most. A lot ruder.

The episode had the four guys and three of their lady friends heading out of town for a conference. So far so good. But when they get there, one of the character's girl friend bumps into her old boy friend, so of course the issue of penis size is alluded to; and there is a discussion that occurs because one of the guys has to sleep with his old girl friend, and she warns him that nothing is going to happen below the waist and he then replies that there's lots of fun they can have above the waist; and this then wakes up one of the other characters and he asks if the others are going to engage in "coitus".

All of this on a friggin' show that is on at 8:00.

I'm no prude (at least, "velvet-covered vibrating spanners of tantric delight" I don't think I am), but damnit at eight o'clock I'd like to watch a comedy without having to explain why it's funny when one of the male characters smiles happily when he gets into his hotel bed with a box of kleenex beside him -- and then the joke is revealed that he is going to have a good cry while watching "Bridget Jones' Diary".

And the kicker is my wife then says to me after we've tucked the boys into bed, "Have you had a sex talk with Gee yet? Because you should. He's going to be eleven soon. Or I could do it if you'd like." This coming from my lovely wife who always says "I could do it if you'd like" when there's a dead mouse in a trap or a clogged toilet to be fixed and later tells me "Oh thank god you did it. I could have done it, but I would have thrown up."

(Which is not to say that my wife would throw up having the 'Sex Talk' with my son. I'm sure it would be a lovely and inspiring mother/son discussion. But I know when I hear "I could do it if you'd like" it really and truly means, "I could do it, but please be the man and step up to the plate on this one.")

And I don't mind the idea of having THE TALK with the boy. I've already had THE WARM-UP TALK a couple of years ago when I explained how I was previously married and divorced many years ago. So I think THE TALK will be fine.

But the thing is this: I want to explain the *logistics* of the whole thing (Tab A goes into Slot B) and all of the *emotions* that go with it and the *physical responsibilities* because of STDs, potential pregnancy and other stuff, but I really, really want to somehow convey the fact that the *whole thing is just so just so much damn fun*. And, as a distant relative once kindly pointed out, if you play your cards right sometimes you don't even have to pay the woman!

I think, what I'll do, is explain it as if it's hockey. I will use our favorite sport as an analogy for the challenges and pleasures of sex. I will try to bring my passion and fumbling understanding of the game to the forefront as I try to explain the passion and fumbling complications of sex. For instance...

This Sunday! 3:25!! Rinx 2!!! Congrats on last week's victory and ending our long dry spell. Please make sure your equipment is fine tuned and ready for use (i.e. logistics). We're going to get into it with the V's. We've played with this bunch of girls before (physical responsibilities) and they're coming off a 8-3 bruising last week so they're going to be feeling fragile and on the rebound and therefore will have to be handled with care (i.e. responsibilities and emotions). Let's treat these little girlies with respect, but give them a thorough and satisfying pounding and I'm sure we'll come out of there grinning from ear to ear (i.e. whole thing is damn fun). Oh and please remember that they're all a bunch of whiny bastards who enjoy flying to Newfoundland so they can personally harvest their own baby seal pelts and then wear handmade fur t-shirts under their hockey sweaters SO THEY MUST BE DESTROYED!!!

Ah crapdamnitccrap. I'm gonna have to work on that. Baby seals and sex rarely go well together. I'll have to find another approach. Or maybe I'll just do what my distant relative suggests and let Gee watch "Sleepless in Seattle" and "Showgirls" and then he can figure it out on his own. That still has gotta be better than having his mother explain it to him; she'd do a great job, but I'm sure Freud would have a field day with that one. Damnitcrapdamnit.

Sunday afternoon!!! Hope to see you there. And get angry over the slaughter of those seals.

Kevin.

With Envy, But Little Sting

Super-hero movies are big business in Hollywood. Big, ultra mega business. Put it this way: last year Disney bought Marvel comics for four BILLION dollars. That's a lot of money to ensure that the company has one of the key spots in the super-hero game.

Batman, Iron Man and Spider-Man are all worth millions at the box office. And when merchandise, action figures, animated series and other by-products are factored in to the equation, the value of the characters is phenomenal.

And the amazing thing is that Iron Man proved that the character doesn't have to be a household name with built-in brand recognition. Tony Stark was an unknown commodity for most moviegoers, but through the strong casting of Robert Downey, Jr. and a powerful introductory film, Iron Man is now a major box office figure. And like his other super-hero cohorts and the pinnacle of success that is the James Bond series, there is no reason that the Iron Man movies cannot continue for a long, profitable time.

But for every Iron Man there is a Jonah Hex, for every Ghost Rider there is a Scott Pilgrim and for every Daredevil there is an Elektra. Making a big budget comic book movie does not guarantee that an audience is going to pay their money for the show. Director Zach Snyder learned that painful lesson when he followed up the surprise hit 300 with the disappointing Watchmen.

Which brings us to The Green Hornet, a character that has a most unusual pedigree.

The Green Hornet is not truly a "comic book hero" because he didn't debut in comic books. He started as a radio show character more than 70 years ago. Like his contemporaries, The Lone Ranger and The Shadow, The Green Hornet then made the journey from one medium to another. Movies and comic books came after the character was established in radio.

The premise for the original radio series was simple but brilliant: Britt Reid, who by day is a wealthy newspaper publisher, fights crime (with his trusty sidekick Kato) as he pretends to be a mysterious criminal mastermind. He works outside the law by posing as a villain and then turn the tables on the true criminals. He was the ultimate one-man 'good cop, bad cop' crime fighter.

For almost 20 years this big budget adaptation of the character has been slowly making its way to the silver screen. Creators attached to the project in the past two decades have included Mark Wahlberg, Nicholas Cage, Jet Li, Kevin Smith, Stephen Chow and (once upon a time) George Clooney.

But the film never came together. That is, until Seth Rogen arrived.

Rogen is a most unusual choice for the main character. Best known for his comic roles as the rude man-child in 40 Year Old Virgin and Knocked Up, the chunky, curly-haired actor is not the usual muscular, spandex-clad, strong-chinned choice for a super-hero.

But Rogen slimmed down for the role (or perhaps merely because his box office success allowed him to hire a chef, personal trainer and wardrobe consultant) and became the project's savior after many others had let it languish.

Rogen is not only the star of The Green Hornet, he is also the one of the film's executive producers and its co-writer. And it's because of his involvement with the writing that the movie has such a strange tone.

Most comic book movies have a heavy, almost melodramatic weight to the character. Bruce Wayne's parents are murdered so he becomes Batman; Peter Parker's uncle is murdered so he becomes Spider-Man; Bruce Banner is injured in an experiment and turns into The Hulk. The heroes have their background in basic childhood fears of loss and abandonment and this is one of the reasons why the characters resonate so strongly with all ages.

As a child at the beginning of The Green Hornet young Britt Reid is intimidated and bullied by his father who is the publisher of a major newspaper. As an adult Britt is a rich slacker who defies his father by wasting his days away.

But all of that changes when his father is killed and Britt decides to change his life. But he doesn't do it to avenge his father or because he wants to make his city safer. He does it because he gets drunk and decides to mock his father and, more to the point, because it would be kind of a cool thing to do because his man servant Kato is really good at creating really amazing gadgets. Hence the Green Hornet is drunkenly born.

It is a rather feeble reason to become a hero. It's like a parody of a secret origin but it's supposed to be taken seriously. This strange mish-mash of comedy, parody and drama makes for an awkward hero. Unfortunately the problems don't end there.

Every good comic book movie needs a good comic book villain and this film is truly lacking in that department. Christoph Waltz, who was brilliant in Inglorious Basterds and won an Academy Award for his performance, is wasted as he attempts to find the right tone in a film that is not truly an action movie, but not a comedy either.

Cameron Diaz is also at a loss in her role as Britt Reid's secretary. She is supposed to be smart and have insights to both the city's crime situation and the challenges that a modern newspaper faces, but she is mostly there so Rogen's character can hit on her and say wildly inappropriate things, and then get jealous when Kato takes her on a date. It's not that Diaz can't play the role, it's that the part merely seems to be "sexy but smart secretary who plays hard to get".

The only character who emerges unscathed from this mess is Kato. Taiwanese actor Jay Chou brings a quiet, steady charm to the character and seems to be operating on a different level than the rest of the film. His calm, grounded nature is essential next to the crazed, unfocused Green Hornet but there is the sense that the film could have been great had Kato's character been used as its inspiration.

Watching the film it becomes apparent that the filmmakers are very uncomfortable with the idea of nobility and making a sacrifice for the good of society. Unlike Bruce Wayne who puts on a show as a drunken playboy to mask his crime fighting identity, Britt Reid never develops beyond his frat boy persona. He is always swearing, constantly hitting on his co-workers and never seems to realize that people are in danger. For Seth Rogen's version of The Green Hornet, it's all a big drunken joke.

There film has a handful of strong action sequences and at times some of the humour works. Early in the film there is an action scene with Kato that is spectacular in all its 3D glory, but the film peaks too early and simply goes on too long. Seth Rogen overstays his welcome in the role and the film grows tiresome because of it.

If the movie is successful enough to spawn a sequel, Seth Rogen will hopefully allow the character to develop and grow. A comic book movie doesn't have to be deadly serious, but if this series continues to be the adventures of a frat boy dressing up in a costume, it's a sequel no one will want to see.

Catty Remarks

So, today the announcement came that Anne Hathaway is going to play Selina Kyle (aka Catwoman) in the next Batman movie.

And, I must confess that I'm skeptical.

This skepticism isn't solely based on bias. Julie Newmar was the greatest Catwoman of all time. No one else can compare. She's like Sean Connery as James Bond: other actor can portray 007, but he will always be the measuring stick for every agent with a licence to kill.

And it will always be Newmar that all other comic book femme fatales will be measured against.

But, setting aside that agreed upon fact / bias...

The big question: can Anne Hathaway play dangerous, deadly and sexy?

No one is sure what kind of part Selina will play in the movie, but considering that director Christopher Nolan has said that this will be his final Batman movie, it's unlikely that the character is merely being established for a future film (like Black Widow was set up in Iron Man 2.) She ain't gonna be window dressing. She is going to have to be menacing and exciting and captivating.

Hathaway is usually cast as the romantic lead or as the safe and somewhat bland girl friend type character (for instance, Agent 99 in the Get Smart movie). I could see Emma Stone in the role or Susan Sarandon, but neither of them would look age appropriate opposite Christian Bale's Batman. But using those two actresses as a start point, it still makes Hathaway an unlikely choice.

But points have to be awarded to Nolan for not going with the obvious choice: the dangerous, deadly and sexy Angelina Jolie. Her recent resume of Wanted, Salt and the semi-nude, semi-animated monster mother in Beowulf made her the ideal candidate but it would have been a very, very expected choice. It's almost as if the past five years, from Mr. and Mrs. Smith to The Tourist, have been an on-going audition for the part of Catwoman. But Selina Kyle is a role that Jolie could have sleepwalked (catwalked?) through. She would have been the safe choice; for Hathaway, it will be a role that she will have to stretch into.

Many years ago the casting of Michael Keaton as Batman was a source of much derision (can you imagine the thunderous noise that would have erupted had Keaton been cast in an age when the internet existed?) and he turned out to be an excellent choice for Tim Burton's take on the character. Perhaps Hathaway will prove to be the same for Nolan. But she has her work cut out for her.

And the news that almost gets eclipsed by the casting of Hathway: Bane as the other villain. A villain who is best known for being muscular and breaking Batman's back in the comic book.

Wow.

People were expecting The Riddler or Hugo Strange. Bane might prove to be an interesting choice because Nolan can create a rich background for him, but nevertheless... Bane? -- Wow.

Between Bane and the casting of Hathaway, this is not going to be the film that anyone was expecting. And who knows, that might turn out to be a very, very good thing.

To Box or Not to Box, That is the Purchase

My oldest boy, Gee, is going to turn 11 in a month and a half. And all he really wants for his birthday is "Futurama: The Complete Collection" box set.

And as much as I try, I am having a devil of a time justifying the purchase.

Part of it is money: at one hundred and fifty dollars, it is one incredibly expensive present. As I explained to the young avid reader, that single present would be the same as five really great hardcover books. (As a matter of fact, that was *before* I looked at the price. The books are the equivalent of $100; this boxed set is even more.)

Another part of my problem is the cost of the enjoyment: I can pvr a bunch of episodes for free and he can watch them to his heart's content. It's not as if there are a bunch of special features on the discs that he's dying to watch (Aaron Sorkin and David Fincher are unlikely to be doing commentaries on the discs), so it's not like there is any additional enjoyment coming from the box set.

He understands my reasons and yet he really wants the set. He said he'd even put some of his own money towards it.

And because of his commitment, I know my lovely wife is wavering.

But I said to her that it is a lot of money just so he can get some fancy packaging. I suggested that I try to find some used dvds of the season sets. But he isn't interested in the individual seasons.

My wife then revealed the sad reality of the situation to me: "Kevin," she said, "of course he wants the packaging. He's your son."

And as I look at my shelves and I see my yuppie Opus with his tags still attached and the Mini RC Dalek Battle Pack (with David Tennant as the Doctor) still in its original packaging, I realize that of course she is correct. If there is a little collectible monster gnawing at his heart, I created that monster and made sure it was hermetically sealed and wrapped in mylar for additional protection.

Nevertheless, I still want him to resist the packaging, to not buy something just because it's a special edition, to see the value in resisting the bells & whistles and perhaps realize the satisfaction that can be obtained in showing some self-restraint.

Y'know, all the stuff that I'm lousy at doing myself. (Stupid tempting, beautiful, fun, sparkly packaging.)

Because I would like him to be better than me.

Life, Hockey and Ice Cubes

(As team rep for my hockey team it is my responsibility to send them a weekly e-mail which gives the details of where and when our game takes place. It could be a brief two-line reminder; it rarely is.

Below is what my team got to read last week...)

Dragons!

As I'm glancing at the Globe & Mail's web site this morning, I noticed the five most popular stories in their Life section...

MOST POPULAR STORIES

1. Is it okay to share your bed with your pets?
2. Should circumcision be outlawed? 'Intactivists' think so
3. Jan. 14: Your daily horoscope
4. I’m haunted by my girlfriend’s past
5. Why your zodiac sign might have changed

And I can't help but think that a lot more women must read this section compared to men. Because while the article on a man's penis and the article on the relationship said penis has with his girlfriend's past should be the *top two* stories, somehow the article about sharing your bed with pets is numero uno. Also included in the top 5 are two articles on horoscopes: most men care about horoscopes as much as they care about Sears having a sale this weekend.

Nowhere to be found are articles on breast implants, hangover cures or how long you have to stay awake after you've done your honest-to-god very, very best to care for your partner's sexual needs. Somehow men's priorities and concerns are not being properly addressed. I can understand how the on-going and neverending debate on circumcision can be an issue for men but isn't it more important that our penis is happy no matter its shape, size or posture?

After all, a happy penis makes for a happy man.

Allow me to illustrate: Picture, if you will, an ice cube: alone, untouched, unloved. And now, picture a beautiful woman taking that ice cube, gently cupping it in her hands and then slowly putting it into her mouth. She swirls her tongue around and smiles as she feels the chill turn to warmth. Her eyes sparkle with satisfaction and knowledge at what she's done.

Phew. I don't know about you, but I'm already feeling better at the thought.

And yes, obviously, that ice cube represents the now-growing value of your RRSPs. Congratulations on those long-term investments finally paying off.

It's that simple. More articles like that in The Globe and Mail and more men would read their friggin' Life section.

And not one mention of hockey in their Top Five!!! How wrong is that?!?

This Sunday you will be beating the TS. Envision your victory and their humiliating defeat (you can come back to that ice cube imagery later). At this very moment, picture yourself thrilled as you triumphantly leave the rink. Now, hold onto that image and treasure it until you exit the game Sunday afternoon.

And the arithmetic is simple: the TS played the Voy last week and lost 5-1; we've played the Voy and lost 1-nothing and tied 3-3; ipso facto, statistically we are the TS's superiors not only on the ice and spiritually, but also in the bedroom because they are the sexual equivalent of a pot of limp, overcooked linguini in a cold and frustrated clam sauce compared to ourselves who are, of course, velvet-covered vibrating spanners of tantric delight. And, as I always say, you can't argue with math.

Alas, with heavy heart, I will not be joining you in victory this Sunday. Yes, in the 21st Century version of Rock/Paper/Scissors, eight year old's birthday party trumps Dragons. Laser Quest and chocolate cake awaits for me on Sunday afternoon; but at that exact same time Victory shall have her arms open wide as she awaits for your glorious return. Who knows, she may even have an ice cube in her mouth.

Best of luck on Sunday,
Kevin.

Birthday pity party for me and the boy

Zed (who is now 10 days into being eight years old) has been sick for a couple of days and he woke me up at 4:22 a.m. Eventually he fell back asleep, but I haven't been quite so lucky.

Two nights ago he did the same thing and my lovely wife stayed up with him, tried to get him to drift back to sleep, and generally had her night's sleep ruined. Last night was my turn at the wheel of slumber-less mayhem.

After he drifted off and I miserably failed to do the same, I got up and puttered and cleaned and tidied and computer-ed and did my very, very best not to disturb anyone.

It's now been four hours since that rude awakening and Zed is once again out of bed while his mum and brother sleep in a little bit.

He's beside me now, playing on his DS as I take a bit of a break from my attempts to conquer the tiny chaos of messes that are constantly threatening to encroach and overwhelm my life.

And as he is battling whatever he battles as he plays Pokemon, my mind wanders and I look at him and I see myself and I think of how much I dislike my birth date and how I hope it works better for Zed.

January the sixth is a wretched date for a birthday. And for all my life, it's been mine.

In years past I've quite melodramatically referred to it as "The Unholy Trinity", composed of three parts, being Christmas, New Year's and then my birthday. I'm an epiphany baby, born on the 12th day of Christmas and unlike in the song, what I often get is not a partridge in a pear tree but instead I get a little down, a little depressed, a little morose.

My brother's birthday is 14 days *before* Christmas and years ago he and I made a vow that we would never give each other combined Christmas-birthday presents. The combined Christmas-birthday present is the most cruel of perennial pranks played on people born at this time of year -- our theory is that if we had been born in May we would have scored that present at Christmas time and then got something new and exciting for our birthday. No one has ever received a bigger and better present for be born close to Christmas. The birth date is the ultimate annual booby prize.

But while it must suck for my brother in similar ways, at least his birthday isn't an after-thought or a supposed day of personal celebration after everyone is all celebrated out. So, in typical Philip Roth sibling rivalry, I feel that my brother has it bad, but I've got it worse.

12 days after Christmas and six days into the New Year, my birthday is an annoyance like a tax return that has to be rushed to be filed or a tooth that you finally go see the doctor about. It is the sad footnote to the question "How was your Christmas and New Year's?" with my response being "Oh they were great. And it's my birthday on Thursday." The look on a person's face upon hearing the news is a mixture of pity and contempt, as if to say, "Jeez buddy, I just got over two important dates, and you expect me to care that it's your birthday? -- I'm all happy-ed and merry-ed out. Too bad for you."

And poor, poor Zed is facing a similar situation.

My son was unfortunately born on December 30th.

Oh it could be much, much worse. He could have been born on New Year's Eve, New Year's Day or Christmas itself.

Many, many years ago I knew a guy who was born on December 25. He grew to dislike Christmas and hate his birthday: everyone else got a celebration and a party for their birthday; he had family get-togethers that had everything to do with the season and nothing to with him. That joyous feeling that a birthday can bring because, for 24 hours, you are unique and special, was never his to enjoy. You could see the bitterness grow in him as the years went on.

Like all good fathers I'm hoping that the Zed's future is better than mine. This year he had birthday with his immediate family and in mid-January he's having a party with his friends. Maybe that will work for him, having two kicks at the birthday can -- one by birth, one by choice. That could be nice.

A little while ago Zed's brother awakened and he is sitting beside him right now. Both of them are playing on their DS, and I'm looking at them and silently smiling to myself.

Gee's birthday is March 3. He will be eleven. He will never received anything remotely like a combined birthday/Christmas present or have his birthday semi-forgotten in the rush of the season. He has no idea how fortunate he is.

But Zed at least has this going for him: years ago my wife and I decided that we didn't want him to be the youngest at home and the youngest at school. For the want of two days, it didn't make sense for him to face a scholarly lifetime of being the youngest and the smallest. So we registered him a year later than needed and he's now the oldest in his class. He loves school, he's empathetic and he's oh so very bright. (A couple of years later, Malcolm Gladwell published his book and suggested we were correct in our reasoning.)

My wife and I were smart enough to give him that opportunity. And hopefully that's a present that will work for him all of his life.

The rest he'll have to work through on his own.

An Amazon Who Doesn't Know Me

So, this morning when I went to Amazon Canada, on their friendly home page where they tell me about all the stuff that *should* interest me, a damn picture of the Star Wars blu-ray set shows up.

And I can't help but think that, even with all their customer recognition programming, Amazon doesn't know me as well as they think they do.

Or a much more scary thought is that they know me better than I know myself.

Damnit.

(And I know I should probably put up a picture of Han Solo shooting first in order to show my politically geeky stance or an image of Jar Jar Banks to show my mocking hatred, but instead I'm posting a picture that looks like the dog I had when I was a kid. Cuz I'm not going to let friggin' Star Wars overshadow my day. I would much rather think about puppies.)

The Arrival and Return of Flex

The bad timing of birthdays (a 'woe is me' post of infinite pity party sadness) will come later as will a tale of sandwiches and father/son moments. But for now, the inner geek (who, let's be honest, isn't really and truly all that *inner* and is more like the traumatized lover who wears his crushed and bleeding heart on his sleeve)...

Okay, the *outer and very much alive* geek takes over.

"Flex Mentallo" is finally going to be collected by Vertigo Comics this fall! The classic Grant Morrison/Frank Quitely collaboration is finally going to be available for everyone to enjoy and discuss and love.

To express the news in film terms, this is like "The African Queen" finally being released on dvd, the ultimate "Blade Runner" blu-ray collection announcement and the found footage of "Metropolis" -- all rolled into one!

(Okay-okay, the news is not on the level of a completely restored "The Magnificent Ambersons" finally seeing the light of day, but since that is never likely to happen, that's like evoking Godwin's Law in terms of collecting.)

The only news that could possibly be better would be Marvel finally announcing that they're bringing Alan Moore and then Neil Gaiman's "Miracleman" (aka Marvelman) back in print. I wouldn't be surprised to see that announcement sometime in the near future, but the Flex news is a dazzling way to start the new year.

For a history of all of Flex's mis-adventures, Johanna Carlson at "Comics Worth Reading" has a history of the character's legal problems. It's strange to think in our current world of Batporn parody that this character's satire of Charles Atlas has prevented the story from being in-print. I'm not sure if this upcoming collection says something about DC Comics overcoming their legal timidity or a seismic shift in attitudes regarding parody laws.

Whatever the reason, I'm thrilled to have the line "I got six chambers of semi-jacketed realism aimed right at your Sea of Tranquility. Drop the rock" soon to arrive in a collected and easily available form.

Bring on the Flex.