Education of a Young Man

(Please enjoy the weekly hockey reminder that I send to my team. One of the guys suggested "Monty Python's The Meaning of Life". My team is brilliant.)

My Fellow Dragons:

So, last night my wife and I are watching "The Big Bang Theory" with our boys. Gee, soon to be 11, loves the show and Zed, now 8, likes it but usually laughs because we laugh and then asks "Why's that funny?"

The show is on at eight o'clock. They deal is they watch it and then head straight to bed.

Usually the show is okay, but last night's was ruder than most. A lot ruder.

The episode had the four guys and three of their lady friends heading out of town for a conference. So far so good. But when they get there, one of the character's girl friend bumps into her old boy friend, so of course the issue of penis size is alluded to; and there is a discussion that occurs because one of the guys has to sleep with his old girl friend, and she warns him that nothing is going to happen below the waist and he then replies that there's lots of fun they can have above the waist; and this then wakes up one of the other characters and he asks if the others are going to engage in "coitus".

All of this on a friggin' show that is on at 8:00.

I'm no prude (at least, "velvet-covered vibrating spanners of tantric delight" I don't think I am), but damnit at eight o'clock I'd like to watch a comedy without having to explain why it's funny when one of the male characters smiles happily when he gets into his hotel bed with a box of kleenex beside him -- and then the joke is revealed that he is going to have a good cry while watching "Bridget Jones' Diary".

And the kicker is my wife then says to me after we've tucked the boys into bed, "Have you had a sex talk with Gee yet? Because you should. He's going to be eleven soon. Or I could do it if you'd like." This coming from my lovely wife who always says "I could do it if you'd like" when there's a dead mouse in a trap or a clogged toilet to be fixed and later tells me "Oh thank god you did it. I could have done it, but I would have thrown up."

(Which is not to say that my wife would throw up having the 'Sex Talk' with my son. I'm sure it would be a lovely and inspiring mother/son discussion. But I know when I hear "I could do it if you'd like" it really and truly means, "I could do it, but please be the man and step up to the plate on this one.")

And I don't mind the idea of having THE TALK with the boy. I've already had THE WARM-UP TALK a couple of years ago when I explained how I was previously married and divorced many years ago. So I think THE TALK will be fine.

But the thing is this: I want to explain the *logistics* of the whole thing (Tab A goes into Slot B) and all of the *emotions* that go with it and the *physical responsibilities* because of STDs, potential pregnancy and other stuff, but I really, really want to somehow convey the fact that the *whole thing is just so just so much damn fun*. And, as a distant relative once kindly pointed out, if you play your cards right sometimes you don't even have to pay the woman!

I think, what I'll do, is explain it as if it's hockey. I will use our favorite sport as an analogy for the challenges and pleasures of sex. I will try to bring my passion and fumbling understanding of the game to the forefront as I try to explain the passion and fumbling complications of sex. For instance...

This Sunday! 3:25!! Rinx 2!!! Congrats on last week's victory and ending our long dry spell. Please make sure your equipment is fine tuned and ready for use (i.e. logistics). We're going to get into it with the V's. We've played with this bunch of girls before (physical responsibilities) and they're coming off a 8-3 bruising last week so they're going to be feeling fragile and on the rebound and therefore will have to be handled with care (i.e. responsibilities and emotions). Let's treat these little girlies with respect, but give them a thorough and satisfying pounding and I'm sure we'll come out of there grinning from ear to ear (i.e. whole thing is damn fun). Oh and please remember that they're all a bunch of whiny bastards who enjoy flying to Newfoundland so they can personally harvest their own baby seal pelts and then wear handmade fur t-shirts under their hockey sweaters SO THEY MUST BE DESTROYED!!!

Ah crapdamnitccrap. I'm gonna have to work on that. Baby seals and sex rarely go well together. I'll have to find another approach. Or maybe I'll just do what my distant relative suggests and let Gee watch "Sleepless in Seattle" and "Showgirls" and then he can figure it out on his own. That still has gotta be better than having his mother explain it to him; she'd do a great job, but I'm sure Freud would have a field day with that one. Damnitcrapdamnit.

Sunday afternoon!!! Hope to see you there. And get angry over the slaughter of those seals.

Kevin.