A Galaxy Gone, Gone Away

I was tempted to write this whole thing in Yoda-voice. The idea just tickled me -- doing the whole thing like an ancient Jedi master.

As a matter of fact, somewhere in the house I have a McDonald's Happy Meal that explains exactly how to speak like Yoda. A couple of years ago I bought the McNuggets and fries, got the toys for the boys and then saved the box in order to send it as a gift to a friend. Because he, for some unfathomable reason, even after the travesty that is the prequels, remains unwavering in his joy for the Star Wars series.

Unfortunately I do not feel the same way.

In many ways the series is dead to me the same way Al Pacino's brother was dead to him in The Godfather Part II. Sometimes my boys ask me if I like Star Wars and I have tried to explain to them how much I loved the first three movies when they first came out, but I don't like what's been done to them since. I think I have actually used the phrase "They're dead to me" as I tried to describe the frustration, sadness and incredible sense of betrayal which I now feel towards the series.

My poor boys -- having to hear their dad go on about a movie series as if it was like someone sat down and told me all at once that there is no Santa Claus, I'm adopted, and my dog never liked me when I was a kid. That is what George Lucas has done to me.

And Yoda as a CGI pseudo-Mexican jumping bean in that last film? -- Please, just shoot me now. My rule is simple: just because it can be done with special effects, doesn't mean it should be done. Just because it's now possible to CGI Lucille Ball into a threesome with Fred Astaire and Judy Garland doesn't make it a good idea; and it's the same thing with a ninja Yoda.

It is such a drag, having something you love transform into something that is devastatingly disappointing. I've heard the Clone Wars tv show is fun, but the setting is right in the middle of the very prequels that I loathe. So the show could be a dazzling mish-mash of Buffy, The West Wing and Lost -- and I'd still wouldn't be able to watch it.

And yet for some reason I cannot let go of my ever-simmering hatred for it all. Like a reformed alcoholic who can't stop preaching about the evils of booze, I am always dumbfounded when people claim to enjoy the prequels. "They're really popular with kids" someone said to me the other day. And I then preached and babbled and foamed as I explained why they're horrible and of course kids like them because they are being manipulated into enjoying mediocrity in order for the sales of the merchandise to remain strong and...

And I could slowly see the fear in the person's eyes as they were forced to listen to the ramblings of a crazy person. And they slowly, ever so slowly, attempted to move away.

Be it the Clone Wars, the "Han Shot First" special editions or the upcoming Robot Chicken-produced tv show (really? I mean, really?!?) I've given up on the whole thing.

Oh, and the icing on this cake of craptitude was a book I saw the other day: Star Wars - Death Troopers. It's got Star Wars and zombies -- in the same story!!

It's as if some old-time movie mogul was sitting in his office smoking a cigar the size of Texas and screamed at his quivering lackeys, "Kids still like Star Wars but we've got to keep it fresh! What's hot out there that will keep kids interested?"

And one minion pipes up, "Wizards and magicians are popular, sir! Or hobbits! What about hobbits!"

"Jesus Crossover Christ!" explodes the mogul, "I'm not going to help make some other studio's goddamn franchise more popular by putting it in Star Wars. Hobbits can lick the fur from my unwashed ass-kicking feet! We've got the goddamn Ewoks, why the crap would we need hobbits! And if one of you bastards mention Predators, Batman or Iron Man, I will choke you to death with my cigar, hide your body in the sewers and then crap on your dead useless decaying corpse every day for the rest of my life. What am I paying you brainless geniuses for? What else have you got?"

"Zombies, sir. Zombies are popular," squeeks out one of the other cowering underlings.

"Zombies? Zombies!" says the mogul, savoring the word like an expensive wine. "No copyright infringements. No royalties to pay to some know-it-all creator who wants script and casting approval. Everything in the public domain but still more popular than that long-haired Justin Bieber girl. I like it! Get on it! Do it! And see if you can get Princess Leia in a bikini again. Those ancient basement-dwelling old time original horny friggin' fanboys eat that shit up."

Yep. Star Wars and zombies -- together!! Cuz if it works for Jane Austen, it can work for Star Wars.

As I said Star Wars is dead to me. And zombies are eating its brains. And its heart.

Gone is wonder and originality. Picked over the corpse has become. Bite my ass George Lucas must, he must.

I can't even do Yoda-talk anymore. Sad it is.

The Doctor Visits Craig

I like Craig Ferguson.

I love "Doctor Who".

And when Matt Smith was on the Craig Ferguson show it was very entertaining. But at the beginning of the show Craig talked about the opening having to be scrapped because the producers failed to clear the legal rights for the Doctor Who theme.

It was a strange opening to the show because it was impossible to tell if Craig was just pretending that they had done a song and dance number and was pretending to be royally pissed off, or if they had really done all that work, it had been unexpectedly cancelled and he was really and truly royally pissed off.

Well, youtube finally has the opening song and dance number.

"The triumph of intellect and romance over brute force and cynicism."

The opening scene is brilliant. And y'can see why Craig was so very, very angry.

But don't take my word for it...



Enjoy.