Victory. Sweet, Sweet Victory

I've decided: winning is fun.

And it was a week ago tonight that I came to that realization.

Oh part of the fun is definitely just playing the game, especially if you're fortunate enough to be playing with a bunch of people who are a pleasure to spend time with (because I've heard many a horror stories about teams that are driven to madness due to the poisonous actions of a couple players).

But winning is the cherry on top of the ice cream on top of the brownie on top of the Baked Alaska on top of the delicious glass of ice wine on top of the dvd of the best movie you're ever seen being held by your favorite person in the whole wide world who says, "I've never seen this film before, but I know you really love it, so let's watch it together."

That's how good victory feels. And it's even better when you've had to slush through a year of ups and downs and too many losses and yet somehow made it to the finals and then miraculously managed a victory.

Okay, "miraculously" is perhaps over-stating the matter, but part way through the 2nd period I don't think any of us were expecting to pull off the win.

But with minutes to spare in the game we tied it all up. And then with less than 2 minutes to go in the game, we took the lead for the first time.

And even when they pulled their goalie and had the extra attacker, it wasn't even close.

At the end I think we were shocked that we had won. After being behind the whole game and tying it up only to have them take the lead again and again, the go-ahead goal was astonishing. And the victory goal and then to keep the lead until the final buzzer -- friggin' astounding.

Because it had been a pretty bad season for us. A lot (and I mean A LOT) of losses. But after getting shifted from division to division and finally finding (or falling to) the right level, it started to go in the right direction.

And now, a week later, I'm still kind of amazed and thrilled and proud.

I'm fortunate enough to play hockey with a great group of guys. Winning simply adds to the pleasure.

And while it's only been a week, I'm already missing playing alongside them.

Thank god summer hockey, simply the most decadent kind of hockey, starts in a just a matter of weeks. Cuz what's summer -- with the heat, humidity and patios -- without a little bit of hockey thrown in?

See what I mean -- it's a wee bit decadent.

Final Dragons Battle of the Season

(Below is the team reminder/greeting/inspiration/ramblings. We made it to the finals. Joy or disappointment in the next couple of hours. I lean towards joy.)

My fellow Dragons:

The Big One. For All the Marbles. The Winner is Victorious. The Loser is a Loser. The Battle for The Golden Fleece Hidden Inside the Plutonium Piggy Bank in The Library with Mrs Robinson.

All down to this game.

The ups and downs (and down and downs) and the big ups in our last games have all led to this final battle on Sunday night.

And what a journey it's been. Take a look at who came along for the trip: Oprah, Nana Mouskouri, The Kids in the Hall, Debbie Harry, a DiPasquale and a DiPasqua, Sarah Palin, welterweight champ Pacquaio, Yoda, Douglas Adams, Airplane, Dodgeball, The Thick of It, more Kids in the Hall, and Wood Nymphs, Wood Nymphs, Wood Nymphs.

It's been salsa dancing, turkey, a nail in the foot, circumcision discussions, baby seal sweaters, the flu and weight loss, sun tan lotion, humiliation delivered in time for Valentine's, The Big Bang Theory, The Brave & the Bold and the oh so delicious Nectar of the Gods.

Perseverance, enthusiasm and comraderie -- all those helped, too. (And, man, doesn't 'perseverance' have a lot of e's in it!)

So...

The final game of the season. The Division championship.

We're up against the Beer Raiders. We have to watch #16, 4 and 2 and especially #5 who is a cherry picker with a helluva shot -- mark my words, he could cause problems. We've played these guys only once but we beat them like eggs in a souffle. So let's beat them again. And that way, y'know, we then get all the marbles and we can drink our beers with massive joy as we rowdily (but with great dignity) toast to our amazing victory.

Rink 3 at 8:45. Last game of the season. I know that Stan can't be there and that Mike is in New York. Hopefully everyone else is good to go.

"Beer Raiders" . Let's be honest: that is a truly fucking stupid name. Let's take 'em out in Dragons playoff style (and, like whoa, we have actually had style during these playoffs!!) and make them bawl in their beers like a child who just saw their balloon float into the sky, like a child who had their favorite toy stolen by harpies, like a child who has been told that all his bath toys were destroyed in a freak microwave accident -- that is how harsh their humiliating defeat shall be, that is how sad and pathetic their tears shall flow.

"Beer Raiders". Just a dumb name. They deserve to be beaten.



But before I go, for your funny bone, here is a clip of SCTV greatness. The quality is retched, but oh how I loved this one when I saw it more than 30 friggin' years ago. It's especially funny because I too use a hockey stick.

Sunday. 8:45. Rink 3. Get your game-face on, starting... NOW!

See you there,
Kevin.

Of Course You Can't Force a Horse with Water, But You Can Lead Him Down the Path

(This was last week's greeting. We did manage to emerge victorious. Now it is onwards to the Championship game.

This was the team's inspiration / distraction / reminder for the game...)

My Fellow Dragons:

This Sunday we do battle in the semi-finals.

So think not of the Maple Leafs and their semi-feeble and certainly frustrating attempts to move towards the playoffs.

And think not of Charlie Sheen and his self-centred ramblings and self-inflected ruin.

Instead think only of victory. Sweet, sweet victory. Victory that tastes like the delicious nectar of the gods that is poured by wood nymphs who never say "No" and instead say only "Yes, we could try that."

Because the team we will be beating know not of Olympus or nectar or wood nymphs or sweet, sweet victory. The lone time they gained points against us was on October 31st when we chose to graciously cancel the game. And, because they did not show the same class and aplomb, the league saw fit to penalize us and give them two undeserved points.

These were not points earned: these were points unjustly bestowed upon an unworthy adversary.

And for that reason, we shall beat them this Sunday. We shall reflect upon their unearned advantage and then proceed to remind them on the battlefield (or, if you prefer, the 'icefield') that victory cannot be granted; victory can only be achieved through passion, sweat and honour. Their shame shall be their downfall.

(Oh, and we'll also win because their top two playmakers are also their two top penalized players and, on top of that, their goalie is a total hot-head. And somehow I'm somewhat certain that someone on our team might ever so slyly and and with smooth subtlety convince the nutty netminder into taking a humiliating but hilarious penalty that will contribute to their team's defeat. Not that I would ever suggest hassling a goalie -- no-no-no! But their goalie is so quick-tempered that I imagine that he will create problems for himself.

Truly, there is no need to antagonize the goalie; instead, we will merely present him the opportunity to display his over-the-top instability. We will show him the path and he will then willingly and merrily skip along the path and knock on the door of Grandma's House of Stupid Penalties. He will then recklessly race through her home as he strips off his clothes and casts aside his suit of sanity, he will dash into her backyard, and then with complete and total abandon he will joyfully leap into the awaiting quicksand of cwaziness. Cuz that's just the kind of guy their goalie is.)

So, Sunday. Semi-finals. Do or die. Let's have some fun and beat these guys.

Let us know if you can't make it. Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you there.

Game face on,
Kevin.

The Thuggery Continues (but this time, it's corporate)

I've resisted writing about the Zdeno Chara - Max Pacioretty incident for a multitude of reasons.

First of all, I wrote about the thuggery between these two teams a month ago and didn't feel the need to add to this latest bandwagon's weight.

After all, given the fights, penalties and savagery of the Bruins-Canadiens game of February 9, it could not have been a surprise to anyone that the re-match between the two teams was going to be incredibly physical. Having said that, I don't think anyone could have expected the severity of the physical damage caused to one of the players. It was an ugly incident and I simply cannot imagine anyone not being shocked and repulsed upon seeing the replay of the encounter.

But the thing is this: I don't think Chara intended to injure Pacioretty. He meant to hit him, he even meant to *nail him* but there doesn't seem to be enough history between the two players to suggest that he meant to do serious physical harm.

It was, to all extents, an accident.

But having said that...

If a player accidentally clears the puck over the glass out of his own end, he gets a penalty. If he accidentally high sticks an opponent, he gets a penalty. And if he knocks a player unconscious and gives him a serious concussion and fractures his opponent's vertebrae, he also gets a penalty.

But should the penalty be made more severe because of the resulting injuries? Even if those results are unintended? In short, should the penalty fit the crime?

According to the NHL the answer is a firm and definitive "No". The league spoke to Chara and he said that he did not mean to cause harm. The NHL looked at his record and determined that he does not have a history of being unnecessarily rough and is neither an enforcer or a thug.

Regardless of the injury, the NHL stood behind its standards and regulations and, in effect, protected Chara because players know the risks involved in the game. It was an accident and, while it's unfortunate, these things happen.

And with that decision the NHL wanted the whole thing to go away.

In hindsight one could argue that the refs made a bad call that night. But one certainly cannot argue that the NHL made a horrible call by declaring the case closed as quickly as it did.

For some reason the league refused to see or, worse yet, was unable to see that it had a political and public relations nightmare on its hands. And rather that dealing with it like managers or like professionals, the league went into Tough Guy mode.

Air Canada warned the league that they might pull sponsorship unless changes are made to prevent occurrences "involving career-threatening and life-threatening head shots".

They wrote, "From a corporate social responsibility standpoint, it is becoming increasingly difficult to associate our brand with sports events which could lead to serious and irresponsible accidents; action must be taken by the NHL before we are encountered with a fatality. Unless the NHL takes immediate action with serious suspension to the players in question to curtail these life-threatening injuries, Air Canada will withdraw its sponsorship of hockey."

NHL commissioner Gary Bettman responded by saying the league takes on-ice incidents very seriously, that he and many team representatives feel that the incident was handled properly and that the NHL will find other means of transport if necessary. Basically he says, don't try to bully us.

That Saturday on Hockey Night In Canada Don Cherry explained that the solution to the problem is to change the physical configuration of the stanchions. Which, in typical Don Cherry style, completely ignores the opinion that this was one incident in a major, collective problem. He shows how to extinguish one single burning tree and is smugly satisfied with the result while the forest continues to rage in flames behind him.

Cherry then went on to attack Canadiens owner Geoff Molson for the layout of the rink in Montreal (as if it was Molson not Chara who caused the injury to Pacioretty) and then said "You should be ashamed of yourself" to both Air Canada and Via Rail (and he also implied that the only reason that the two corporations are voicing their opinions is because their head offices are in Montreal). Like Bettman, Don Cherry basically says, don't try to bully us.

It is both amusing and sad to watch both Bettman and Cherry dismiss anyone who has a differing opinion by humiliating them and ridiculing them under an accusatory cloak of "You're trying to bully us. Shame on you."

But the icing on the cake and the moment when the collective emperors were revealed to have no clothes occurred last night in Montreal when Washington Capitals coach Bruce Boudreau rolled into town with his team and told the Montreal fans who were protesting the growing violence in the sport, "If you don't like it, don't come to the games."

Yes, he actually said that. "If you don't like it, don't come to the games."

In other words, why should we in the NHL listen to your concerns? -- If you were *real fans* you would understand that this is part of the game.

He then went on to say, "I don't want to get into a controversy, but what if that was Hal Gill that hit David Krejci? I don't think there would be a protest going on here today."

First of all: if you don't want to get into a controversy, it's always a good idea to keep your mouth shut and avoid saying things such as "I don't want to get into a controversy" because if you say anything after that statement... well, then it's already too late.

Secondly, of course it's unlikely there would be a protest in Montreal if a Boston player had been injured, but hopefully there would be the same sort of outrage back in Boston. It would be the same thing if one of the Capitals was injured in the game, then of course Bourdreau would be more concerned than the Montreal coach. To state otherwise is ludicrous.

But, more important, all of this dismisses the fact that a player was severely injured and people are worried that the worst is yet to come.

Max Pacioretty was taken from the ice on a stretcher in front of an arena filled with shocked fans. It is unlikely he will ever play professional hockey again. Many other players have also suffered head traumas this season. The perception is that this is a dangerous trend that must be stopped. And as the general managers are meeting in Florida to try to figure out the correct response, the fans are left waiting for their decisions, wanting to know what changes are going to be made to make the game safer, and wondering what has happened to the sport they love.

Corporate sponsors are concerned. Politicians are concerned. Fans are concerned. What does it take for the league to also get concerned or, at the very least, convey the notion that there is a problem and they are taking all of this seriously?

Gary Bettman, Don Cherry and Bruce Boudreau have now become the three poster boys for the league's refusal to take any thoughtful action as they thumb their nose at anyone who dares to speak against them. All they seem capable of doing is repeating the drunken parrot mantra of "Integrity of the game. Integrity of the game" over and over again.

Hopefully the league can rise above these attitudes and start to make some serious decisions. Because right now Rome is burning and these Three Stooges are telling the peasants to shut up and just eat cake.

Dragons greetings: time off

(Here is the team's greeting of a non-greeting nature from last week. Due to our playoff schedule, we actually had the week off. Oh what to do on a hockey-free weekend...?)

Dragons this Sunday...

... are not playing.

We've got the weekend off before we do battle *next weekend* Sunday, March 20 at 2:30 against a team to be determined.

I will, of course, send you a reminder about the game next week. I might even mention antelopes in the e-mail; we'll have to see how it goes.

Until then, enjoy your Dragons-free Sunday. And, hey, here's an idea: don't tell your partner that there is no game -- make it sound like it's *your idea* to make the day hockey-free!

She'll say, "You want to spend the whole day with me? You're willing to miss hockey so we can have all this time together? You are so sweet!"

And you can reply "Yes. Yes I am. And you're worth it, my little love pillow."

And later, that night, as she's wearing her especially functional evening gear and climbs into bed, you'll be able to roll over, fall asleep and snore with the satisfaction of knowing that calling her 'love pillow' is something no man has ever dared do before and you will never, ever be able to do again, but by missing hockey you were allowed this one time to get away with something that sounded oh so very stupid.

Isn't that a great idea? -- Enjoy your week off. See you next Sunday.

Two and a Half vs. The Fighter

Match the quotation to the person who said it...

Who said "Right, right, right! I mean Sugar Ray was too much too soon. You know, I...I...I needed to build up slow. You know, right?"

And who said "When you've got tiger blood and Adonis DNA, man it's like phuuuew, get with the program dude, you've been given magic, you've been given gold"?

In one corner is Christian Bale's portrayal of Dicky Eklund -- crack addict, washed-out boxer, and a man who is trying to redeem himself and help his brother achieve fame.

And in the other corner is Charlie Sheen -- father of four children, patron of many, many prostitutes and pornstars, superstar actor and a man who is going through the fastest and most public celebrity meltdown since Lindsay Lohan.

Which sounds more delusional, the fictional ravings of a former drug addict or the self-promoting testimonies of a former drug addict?

And if we have sympathy for Dicky (and the portrayal of him earns Christian Bale an Academy Award), is it not time to have sympathy for Charlie Sheen? Or is the car wreck of his recent escapades too recent, too on-going and too spectacular for any kind of empathy?

Watching Charlie Sheen's interview on 20/20 was like peering through a window and finally seeing a world where all the delusions and excesses of stardom are exposed for everyone to see.

And it is a very, very scary sight. Because even though we may have always suspected that these multi-millionaires are incredibly messed up and completely out of touch with reality, it is still shocking to see that the magical wizard is just a bizarre, little man hiding behind a curtain who is not only wearing no pants, but who also thinks that everyone should jump in the pool of craziness with him.

Poor happy rich Jen

It must really, really suck to be Jennifer Aniston.

After all she was one of the stars of one of the most successful tv sitcoms ever ("Friends"), she was married to one of the sexiest guys alive (Brad Pitt) and her hairstyles used to be salon sensations back when Justin Bieber was only in diapers.

(Yes, it's true! Justin Bieber was born in March of 1994 and "Friends" debuted in September 1994. Jennifer Aniston came to success because of the show and the haircut that became known as "The Rachel". One can almost imagine that young Justin, nursing on a baby bottle, caught a glimpse of the tv show and it imprinted on him the way a gosling imprints on a stylish tennis ball as the infant Justin exclaimed "Someday I will have a hairstyle that will cause a world-wide sensation and create international news when I later cut my trend-setting locks." That and the fact that he probably listened to Baby Mozart combined to make him the star he is today.)

Back to Ms. Aniston...

She had it all superstar fame, an Adonis-like husband, status as a fashion icon...

And now all she has is success and lots and lots of money.

So thank god for People magazine and its cover story on Jennifer Aniston!

In "Jen's Most Revealing Interview Ever!" she talks about dating, babies and exes. Her exes include Gerard Butler, John Mayer, Vince Vaughn and of course, Mr. Big X, Brad Pitt so she has quite a bit to talk about in that category.

But the thing that made me laugh is the small print on the cover. "Over cocktails and girl talk, the world's most misunderstood star sets the record straight: 'I'm happy! Really!'"

First of all: I don't think a person can do anything "over girl talk" -- one might say "Over beer and nachos" or "Over wine and cocktails", but you can't say "Over cocktails and girl talk". Being a guy, I'm not 100% sure what constitutes 'girl talk' but it probably involves two or more girls, at least a little bit of alcohol and a complete lack of recording devices. So I don't think an interview is ever honest-to-goodness 'girl talk'.

But the magazine loses all grasp on reality when it calls her "The world's most misunderstood star".

Tom Cruise would have taken that crown as he jumped the couch on Oprah back in 2005, but then he would have had to battle Mel Gibson in 2006 after the former Mad Max star's infamous arrest and his dazzling "What are you looking at, Sugar Tits?" comment.

Christian Bale was heir apparent to the throne due to his meltdown on the set of "Terminator Salvation" that became public in 2009, but he has obviously redeemed himself in Hollywood's eyes because he won an Academy Award this week and the Oscar never goes to someone who is despised.

So the crown of Most Misunderstood Star has to go to Mel Gibson who managed to one up himself with last year's incredibly shocking tirade against his ex-wife and the mother of his daughter (one of eight children he has sired) when he called her a whore and threatened to bury her in a rose garden.

Tom Cruise, Christian Bale and Mel Gibson: if there was a cover interview with any of them, surely they would deserve the title of Most Misunderstood Star.

And considering all the crazy press interviews that he is doing and his years of drug-assisted sexual shenanigans, Mr. Charlie Sheen deserves the title more than any of them (but I doubt Charlie Sheen cares because he is so messed up that he actually believes that everyone wants to be like him).

Ahhh People Magazine: Jennifer Aniston's life is a story of success and loss and then getting over that loss with the help of friends and lots and lots of money. But couldn't the editors, at the very least, have ensured that the crown title of Most Misunderstood Star was securely hers before Charlie Sheen came and ripped it from her grasp? Because now she has one more thing to add to the list of things she's lost.

But at least she's happy. Really!