That Covers It

Yesterday I'm at the supermarket with the boys and I noticed that Zed, age 8, seemed all embarrassed and flustered.

I asked him what's wrong but he wouldn't tell me. I persisted and he finally confessed that he noticed a magazine cover that was inappropriate. I then explained to him that no magazine at a supermarket is inappropriate and that it's all okay. He then said that he noticed that *I* was looking at it and he didn't think it was right that I should be staring at it.

And all I could think was "You little monkey!"

Had my wife been with us perhaps I would have been more subtle. Hell, even with her absence I thought I was being subtle!! But this apparently was not the case.

But the worst of it was this: I was among men!!! And men never comment when other men are looking!!! But one of those 'men' was an eight year old boy who obviously figured his father shouldn't even be looking at images of women. Damnit.

Here is the offending (but oh so very unoffensive) cover that my son spied me looking at. I didn't even flip through the the magazine! I looked but did not touch!!

The funny thing is this: there may have been other magazines at the checkout, but my son was right cuz this was the only one that caught my eye. All other covers sit down when Rosario Dawson is on the stands.

But I have now learned that even the supermarket isn't safe when my son is watching me to make sure I'm not looking.

Poor happy rich Jen

It must really, really suck to be Jennifer Aniston.

After all she was one of the stars of one of the most successful tv sitcoms ever ("Friends"), she was married to one of the sexiest guys alive (Brad Pitt) and her hairstyles used to be salon sensations back when Justin Bieber was only in diapers.

(Yes, it's true! Justin Bieber was born in March of 1994 and "Friends" debuted in September 1994. Jennifer Aniston came to success because of the show and the haircut that became known as "The Rachel". One can almost imagine that young Justin, nursing on a baby bottle, caught a glimpse of the tv show and it imprinted on him the way a gosling imprints on a stylish tennis ball as the infant Justin exclaimed "Someday I will have a hairstyle that will cause a world-wide sensation and create international news when I later cut my trend-setting locks." That and the fact that he probably listened to Baby Mozart combined to make him the star he is today.)

Back to Ms. Aniston...

She had it all superstar fame, an Adonis-like husband, status as a fashion icon...

And now all she has is success and lots and lots of money.

So thank god for People magazine and its cover story on Jennifer Aniston!

In "Jen's Most Revealing Interview Ever!" she talks about dating, babies and exes. Her exes include Gerard Butler, John Mayer, Vince Vaughn and of course, Mr. Big X, Brad Pitt so she has quite a bit to talk about in that category.

But the thing that made me laugh is the small print on the cover. "Over cocktails and girl talk, the world's most misunderstood star sets the record straight: 'I'm happy! Really!'"

First of all: I don't think a person can do anything "over girl talk" -- one might say "Over beer and nachos" or "Over wine and cocktails", but you can't say "Over cocktails and girl talk". Being a guy, I'm not 100% sure what constitutes 'girl talk' but it probably involves two or more girls, at least a little bit of alcohol and a complete lack of recording devices. So I don't think an interview is ever honest-to-goodness 'girl talk'.

But the magazine loses all grasp on reality when it calls her "The world's most misunderstood star".

Tom Cruise would have taken that crown as he jumped the couch on Oprah back in 2005, but then he would have had to battle Mel Gibson in 2006 after the former Mad Max star's infamous arrest and his dazzling "What are you looking at, Sugar Tits?" comment.

Christian Bale was heir apparent to the throne due to his meltdown on the set of "Terminator Salvation" that became public in 2009, but he has obviously redeemed himself in Hollywood's eyes because he won an Academy Award this week and the Oscar never goes to someone who is despised.

So the crown of Most Misunderstood Star has to go to Mel Gibson who managed to one up himself with last year's incredibly shocking tirade against his ex-wife and the mother of his daughter (one of eight children he has sired) when he called her a whore and threatened to bury her in a rose garden.

Tom Cruise, Christian Bale and Mel Gibson: if there was a cover interview with any of them, surely they would deserve the title of Most Misunderstood Star.

And considering all the crazy press interviews that he is doing and his years of drug-assisted sexual shenanigans, Mr. Charlie Sheen deserves the title more than any of them (but I doubt Charlie Sheen cares because he is so messed up that he actually believes that everyone wants to be like him).

Ahhh People Magazine: Jennifer Aniston's life is a story of success and loss and then getting over that loss with the help of friends and lots and lots of money. But couldn't the editors, at the very least, have ensured that the crown title of Most Misunderstood Star was securely hers before Charlie Sheen came and ripped it from her grasp? Because now she has one more thing to add to the list of things she's lost.

But at least she's happy. Really!

Cosmo secrets

Oh those unfortunate cashiers in supermarket check-out lines. Having to deal with people like me who all of a sudden are howling with laughter for no apparent reason.

It goes like this...

I'm grabbing some groceries, minding my own business as I wait patiently for the woman in front of me to pay for her items, bag them all and somehow keep her two-year-old in the buggy entertained as she does all of this, when my eyes wander over the covers of the magazines displayed at the check-out.

And I suddenly start laughing. And I must be laughing quite loudly because the cashier looks at me with surprise. And so I tell her what has made me cackle with amusement.


The cover of the latest issue of Cosmopolitan features the article "Secrets of Male Arousal".

And I said to the cashier, "The secret of male arousal? -- If you express interest, he's aroused. If he's had a beer, he's aroused. If you smile at him or laugh at one of his jokes, he's aroused. The secret? - If he's a guy, he's gonna be aroused."

And the cashier gives me a smile, as if I've just confirmed what she has always suspected.

Men are so easy, they make a game of checkers seem like brain surgery.

Oops. Now I've revealed the secret.

I would therefore suggest completely skipping this month's issue.

That is, if it wasn't for the article "What Even Experienced Chicks Forget to Do in Bed". Cuz that looks pretty mind-blowing.