That Covers It

Yesterday I'm at the supermarket with the boys and I noticed that Zed, age 8, seemed all embarrassed and flustered.

I asked him what's wrong but he wouldn't tell me. I persisted and he finally confessed that he noticed a magazine cover that was inappropriate. I then explained to him that no magazine at a supermarket is inappropriate and that it's all okay. He then said that he noticed that *I* was looking at it and he didn't think it was right that I should be staring at it.

And all I could think was "You little monkey!"

Had my wife been with us perhaps I would have been more subtle. Hell, even with her absence I thought I was being subtle!! But this apparently was not the case.

But the worst of it was this: I was among men!!! And men never comment when other men are looking!!! But one of those 'men' was an eight year old boy who obviously figured his father shouldn't even be looking at images of women. Damnit.

Here is the offending (but oh so very unoffensive) cover that my son spied me looking at. I didn't even flip through the the magazine! I looked but did not touch!!

The funny thing is this: there may have been other magazines at the checkout, but my son was right cuz this was the only one that caught my eye. All other covers sit down when Rosario Dawson is on the stands.

But I have now learned that even the supermarket isn't safe when my son is watching me to make sure I'm not looking.

Two and a Half vs. The Fighter

Match the quotation to the person who said it...

Who said "Right, right, right! I mean Sugar Ray was too much too soon. You know, I...I...I needed to build up slow. You know, right?"

And who said "When you've got tiger blood and Adonis DNA, man it's like phuuuew, get with the program dude, you've been given magic, you've been given gold"?

In one corner is Christian Bale's portrayal of Dicky Eklund -- crack addict, washed-out boxer, and a man who is trying to redeem himself and help his brother achieve fame.

And in the other corner is Charlie Sheen -- father of four children, patron of many, many prostitutes and pornstars, superstar actor and a man who is going through the fastest and most public celebrity meltdown since Lindsay Lohan.

Which sounds more delusional, the fictional ravings of a former drug addict or the self-promoting testimonies of a former drug addict?

And if we have sympathy for Dicky (and the portrayal of him earns Christian Bale an Academy Award), is it not time to have sympathy for Charlie Sheen? Or is the car wreck of his recent escapades too recent, too on-going and too spectacular for any kind of empathy?

Watching Charlie Sheen's interview on 20/20 was like peering through a window and finally seeing a world where all the delusions and excesses of stardom are exposed for everyone to see.

And it is a very, very scary sight. Because even though we may have always suspected that these multi-millionaires are incredibly messed up and completely out of touch with reality, it is still shocking to see that the magical wizard is just a bizarre, little man hiding behind a curtain who is not only wearing no pants, but who also thinks that everyone should jump in the pool of craziness with him.

Disco Barbie

I'm late to this one, but in my defense, I don't often find myself looking at dolls in toy stores.

Nevertheless, I took my boys to Toys 'R Us and we were looking at action figures and there, across the aisle and on the end display, were Twilight Barbies -- as in Barbie dolls which are made with the licensed features of the main characters from Twilight.

Which I thought was strange, but I sorta kinda get it. Teenage girls might want to own Bella Barbie so they can have a re-enactment between her and Edward (Ken) or her and Jacob (Ken). Or maybe a fight scene between Edward (Ken) and Jacob (Ken). Or maybe a scene with all three of them. Or some sort of scene just between the two guys. Some sort of fan fiction fun.

I dunno. I guess. Whatever.



But the really strange thing was that further down the aisle they had Cyndi Lauper Barbie, Joan Jett Barbie and (my personal fave) Debbie Harry Barbie.



And I wondered that if I could go back to New York City in my time machine and visit Debbie Harry in the '70s at her peak at Studio 54 and show her what the 21st Century held for her, whether she'd be thrilled or whether she'd just throw up all over Andy Warhol and blame it all on him.

The smell of napalm and the mourning

I read an article today that said that Jessica Simpson is *still* ticked off at John Mayer and his comments about her in a Playboy interview.

Yes, his comments were amazingly tactless, but at the same time she, of course, can't stop talking about the interview herself.

Busy promoting her new reality show "The Price of Beauty" she confessed that she hasn't spoken to Mayer but "he'll never have this napalm again."

And then poor, sad Jessica complains, "I'll walk into a restaurant or something, and I notice that more men are looking at me, but I feel like they're undressing me."

Now, does she mean that more men than the number before the interview are looking at her? Or is it that more men are *undressing* her than before? Do these men undress her in their minds, or do they rush forward to volunteer to undress her? Does she therefore have more volunteers than she used to?

And how can someone who allowed cameras to film her life for a reality tv show then complain that people look at her?