Advice vs. Care

I would never say that a woman is a better parent than a man.

Both sexes can be great parents. To say that one is better than the other is a generalization along the lines of ‘blondes have more fun’ or ‘all blondes are stupid’.

--> and I have to wonder if the craze of “Stupid blonde jokes” that appeared years ago was the result of a bunch of pissed-off brunettes and redheads getting together and saying “Screw the not-so subliminal ‘Blondes Have More Fun’ campaign that’s been running for decades. Let’s wipe the smug smile off their collective snide faces. Veronica, you’re in charge: start with ‘how many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?’ and move from there. Gilda, you start with the ‘computer screen and liquid paper’ joke and get your fellow reds to help."

And within ten years, no one was talking about how blondes have more fun. <--

But, when it comes to being a parent, I think women are probably better at being mothers.

Let me explain...

Try this: picture someone who is described as “fatherly”. Or imagine how the word “fatherly” is used.

Usually the word would be used in the context of “fatherly advice” which would be a father figure sitting and handing down words of wisdom much like Moses did (but probably without the big tablets coming down the mountain) ...

“Son, fight only when it’s absolutely necessary.”

“Never trump your partner’s Ace.”

“Don’t go to bed mad. If you go to bed mad, you risk waking up with that anger still lingering bitterly.”

I picture a Fred McMurray or Dick Van Patton fatherly figure giving insight and advice. He’s usually smoking a pipe and wearing slippers. He sets his newspaper down and looks pensive before he speaks. He probably won't give you a hug, but the warmth radiates from him nonetheless.

(Which makes me wonder if there are any good Father Figures on tv today. Is there anyone on tv in a fatherly role that you would want to turn to for advice? -- Charlie Sheen in “Two and a Half Men”? – Yuk! Michael C. Hall in “Dexter”? -Yipes! And look at all of the characters with Daddy issues in “Lost” – Jack, Sawyer, Kate, Ben, Locke, Hurley, Michael & Walt! Where have all the good fathers gone?!?)

But do the same thing with the word “motherly” and it’s images of caring and nurturing and acceptance.

My soon to be 10 year old son, Gee, was incredibly ill yesterday. High fever, headaches, throwing up – the whole Technicolor mess.

My wife had to head into work for the day so I stayed home with him.

And while it was my job to comfort him and help him feel better, instead I found myself giving him advice.

"Don't worry, you'll feel better soon," I said.

"We have an appointment to see the doctor at 11:45. You'll feel better after we see the doctor."

And as he was puking his stomach contents out, I was saying to him, “Don’t worry, it all has to come out. You’re doing fine.” And back to what was obviously my favourite line: "You’ll feel better soon.”

The sad thing was that over and over he kept asking me if I was mad at him. And honest to god I wasn’t. I was worried. But my concerns must have looked like anger and frustration. And again I said something fatherly like “You’ll feel better soon. You just have to get that stuff out of your system.”

His mum phoned to see how he was doing and I told her we had a doctor's appointment. I then put Gee on the phone and he cried as he was talking with mother because he just felt so horribly sick. And my wife told me that she was leaving work and she would meet us at the doctor’s office and then came back home afterwards.

Doctor saw him. It's strep throat. We get the medicine. We all come home.

Later that afternoon, after the medicine kicked in, Gee fell sound asleep in his mum’s arms. He looked secure, safe and at peace. He looked like all good boys should look in the comfort of their mother’s arms.

That night, reviewing the day’s worth of medicine, vomiting, fever and pain, my wife said to me, “The doctor once told me that sometimes the best medicine is just being held.”

As a man, as his father, I trusted that he would get better and the doctor would help us out. And I told him that. Over and over again.

But my wife wanted to be there to see it through. Not because I couldn’t do it, but she just felt that she had to be there for her own peace of mind.

And at that moment I realized that women are probably better mothers than men will ever be. I kept telling him he would feel better in the future. But she helped him feel better in the here and now.

So I better start practice getting all-wise and all-insightful and sage-like…

“Learn to win as gracefully as you learn to lose.”

“Never spit in the wind.”

“Always carry a condom. Even it is a first date.”

Because while my boys are more likely to remember their mum being there for them when they were sick, I am going to need them to remember me for my words of wisdom.